miscellany

7 dec 2017

SO HOW DID WE GET TO HERE ?

LIKE

THESE

WISH I’D WRITTEN THESE

CONTACT

school photos

WRITTEN

THESE

BUT

SERIOUSLY -

ARTICLES

           All original writing

           2014, 2015, 2016, 2017            Ian McLauchlin

AND THESE


“If you don’t read the newspaper, you’re uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you’re misinformed.” - Mark Twain

“The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.” - Bertrand Russell

“War doesn’t determine who is right - only who is left” - Bertrand Russell

“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” - unknown

“To remain silent and indifferent is the greatest sin of all” – Elie Wiesel

“The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss”  - Douglas Adams.

“How do you start a milk pudding race?  Sago”  - Spike Milligan

“How do you start a seaside town in North Wales?  Prestatyn”  - me

“I don’t want to give them the oxygen of publicity. I don’t even want to give them the oxygen of oxygen.” ( on Neil and Christine Hamilton ) - Linda Smith

“One who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; one who does not ask a question remains a fool forever “ - Chinese proverb.

“A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. “  -  Paul Erdos

"Only two things are infinite-the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not so sure about the universe" - Albert Einstein

“You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. I wanted to know what I’d got, so I got rid of everything.” - Stewart Francis

“Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes. “ - Jimmy Carr

“I read that book 'Fat is a Feminist issue', got a bit desperate halfway through and ate it.” -  Jo Brand

" . . . . . and we're doing this 24/7; that's 24 hrs a week, 7 months a year." - George W Bush

”They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now” -  Bob Monkhouse

"And then he ripped my skirt off - you know, the Goray one." - heard by Victoria Wood upstairs on a bus.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea. - Jimmy Carr

Buying a zebra? Be prepared for problems with import duty, customs, vets fees, but most of all finding  the bar-code   - Milton Jones

Got 68 sheep. Can you round them up for me?  70.   - Tim Vine

Most Americans pray before they eat. Can you imagine praying 18 times a day ? - Stewart Francis

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws   - Plato (427-347 BC)

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."   - Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)

“The French will always be there when they need you” - Viscount Montgomery

“One month before my grandfather passed away, my grandmother covered his back in lard. He went downhill very quickly after that.”  - Milton Jones

“Atheroma wasn't built in a day”  - my cardiologist.

“I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat!”  - Ron Pickering

“I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.” - George W Bush

“I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements in the future.” -  George W Bush

“While I was in Australia I learnt some Aboriginal words like 'boo', which means 'to return' - 'cos when you throw an ordinary meringue ...”  - Milton Jones

“. . . . India, or 118dia as I call it. “ - Al Murray.

“Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house” - Rod Stewart

“Tragically I was an only twin” - Peter Cook

“I took the wife’s family out for tea and biscuits. They weren’t too happy about having to give blood though”  - Les Dawson

“What's the difference between a street trader and a dachshund? One bawls out his wares on the street . . . “ - unknown

Expectant father phoned the maternity hospital but got the cricket ground by mistake. "All 10 are out and the last 2 were ducks." -  unknown

“In the beginning there was nothing. Then God said "Let there be Light".....There was still nothing but, by crikey, you could see it better.”  - unknownA strange thing happened during a performance of Elgar’s Sea Pictures at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight. The man playing the triangle disappeared” - Two Ronnies

“We are all atheists about most of the gods that societies have ever believed in. Some of us just go one god further.” - Richard Dawkins

“You're not looking well. If you’ve got far to go I’d set off now!”  - Al Read

“I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said: “Are you going to help?” I said: “No, six should be enough.” - Les Dawson

“My neighbour suffers from vertigo. Often phone him up just to say "Hi". “ - Milton Jones

“Went to the Doctor's and asked her what's good for wind. She gave me a kite.” - Les Dawson

“Whenever I'm feeling lonely I go up to Tesco's self checkout and put an unexpected item in the baggage area just for the conversation.” -  Al Murray (I think)

“A computer programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.” - Unknown

“Anyone who is willing to sacrifice civil liberty in the name of security will eventually lose both, and deserve neither" - Benjamin Franklin

“The grey squirrels are just red ones that have got very old.” - Milton Jones

“I heard that the greatest danger to the health of the population was Holby City.  Er no, on reflection I think they said obesity.” - Milton Jones

“The first tune that all Chinese children learn to play on the piano? It's called 'Knives and Forks'“ - Milton Jones

"Ah, I see you're using the vacuum cleaner . . ."   "Yes, I was using it to suck the life out of the room, but now you're here I can switch it off." - Lee Mack

Dave Allen's mishearing at a funeral:  In the name of the Father, of the Son and into the hole he goes!

Victoria Coren on ‘Have I got news for you’ - "Would you repeat that question but a little more patronisingly?"

“If your name's André, never end your texts with a kiss “ - Milton Jones

“Wife's been missing a week now.  Police said "Prepare for the worst". So I went to the charity shop and got all her clothes back.” - Les Dawson

“No one is actually dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away” - Terry Pratchett

“Why do we cry when it's the onions that are getting hurt ?” - Diane Morgan

Sign on darkroom door:  "Please keep this door closed or all the dark will escape" - unknown

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.” - Groucho Marx (I think)

“Romanians eh? Coming over here and pinching all our Polish worker's jobs !” - Lee Nelson

"He knew more about fast jets than a horse with a bladder infection" - Rhod Gilbert

“It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled.” -  Mark Twain

“When you come to a fork in the road, take it.” - Yogi Berra

“Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.” - Yogi Berra

“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods. They have not forgotten this.” - Terry Pratchett

“I once absent-mindedly ordered Three Mile Island dressing in a restaurant and, with great presence of mind, they brought Thousand Island Dressing and a bottle of chili sauce.” - Terry Pratchett

“It’s not worth doing something unless someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren’t doing it.” - Terry Pratchett

Why do frogmen fall backwards out of a boat? “ ‘Cos if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.” - unknown

Bertrand Russell once gave a public lecture on astronomy. He described how the earth orbits around the sun and how the sun, in turn, orbits around the centre of a vast collection of stars called our galaxy.

At the end of the lecture, a little old lady at the back of the room got up and said: "What you have told us is rubbish. The world is really a flat plate supported on the back of a giant turtle."

The scientist gave a superior smile before replying, "What is the turtle standing on?"

"You're very clever, young man, very clever," said the old lady."But it's turtles all the way down!"

Saw this sign 'Make everything Easter'. Coming home with eggs, bunnies etc. I started to wonder.  It might have said "Make everything easier" - Milton Jones

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” - Edmund Burke

“You only fail when you stop trying”  - unknown

See a pin and pick it up. All that day you’ll have . . . a pin.

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane." - Marcus Aurelius