10 december 2020
All original writing
2014, 2015, 2016,
2017, 2018, 2019,
2020, 2021, 2022,
2023, 2024
Dr Ian McLauchlin
2014, 2015, 2016,
2017, 2018, 2019,
2020, 2021
Dr Ian McLauchlin
11 august 2021
ROCHDALE HERALD E
22 Mar 18
SNOW AND ICE FORECAST THIS WEEKEND EVEN THOUGH IT'S GOING TO BE MILD AND SUNNY
After weekends of hail, freezing temperatures, snow drifts, closed motorways and cancelled trains, the prospect of a mild few days at the beginning of Spring has worried forecasters. "We're worried" said Chief Forecaster, Sonny Spells. "If we stop forecasting icy weather, the public may riot."
"We need much more snow and ice. I have a couple of hundred fat balls for the birds. And a brand new snow shovel. And I've just put snow chains on't car. It's gotta keep snowing." said a man who once waited for the snowbound Clapham Omnibus in vain.
Members of the public have been heard in pubs throughout the land bragging about how many pairs of snowshoes they possess and how much bread they've cleared off the supermarket shelves. "I have enough food in the house to last several lifetimes" boasted a man confined to the attic as that's the only space left.
Downing Street has consulted with the riot squad and instructed weather forecasters to practice presenting the weather forecast with their fingers crossed behind their backs. Then to forecast hurricanes, prolonged snow showers, wind blown icicles and frozen pipes.
Michael Fish assured us that the weekend was going to be mild and sunny, getting a forecast correct at last.
11aug21
DAILY MAIL ACCUSED OF PRINTING THE TRUTH
In a shock statement, a spokesperson extricated himself from the bicycle wheel and admitted that its standards had momentarily slipped. “Our standards have momentarily slipped" he was heard to mutter while pulling bits of wheel and inner tube from his hair.
“We normally ensure that all our stories are false, discriminatory and designed solely to whip the masses into a frenzy of our choosing, thereby taking their attention away from our stealth attacks on their purse, their wellbeing, their future and their health. We know it’s what they would have wanted” said a sub-
The lying government was invited to comment but said “Yes, of course we will”. Strangely, nobody believed them.
Prince Andrew had no recollection of anything, except a perfectly ordinary, non-
In a further development, a tory mole emerged from the depths, momentarily blinked, shouted ‘Get Molehills done’ and disappeared.
The editor was unavailable to comment – truthfully.
(Only one bicycle was hurt during the writing of this piece. Oh and one Prince’s ego and a Left Hand lower whisker of a mole.)
