miscellany

7 dec 2017


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WRITTEN

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BUT

SERIOUSLY -

ARTICLES

           All original writing

           2014, 2015, 2016, 2017            Ian McLauchlin

AND THESE

I don't go to small shops any more. When you look back at the door, the whole of the outside world is 'Closed'.


“Do you have an alibi?”

No but I have an alibaba. I was in the magic carpet and oil lamp emporium at the time.


Do you believe in re-incarnation?

"No. Once you've emptied the tin of evaporated milk, it stays empty."


The wife hated my collection of tools. She often threatened to kick me out. The last straw came yesterday when she gave me the boot after tripping over a large adjustable spanner.

 "Was it a wrench?"

"It's never easy leaving home!"


"I'm just trying to remember what goes into that parkin cake thing."

Wife says . . . "Something dark and runny, has an O and a U in it".

"Greyhound ?"

"No, molassus"


It's our anniversary next week and the wife's dropping hints about presents.

She said, ‘I fancy something waterproof and shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’ I've bought her some bathroom scales.


Another of my Laws: The Height Above Sea Level Effect.

Those who are cerebrally challenged are also disinclined to make any effort to climb hills. Examples:

1. If you go hill walking, the further up you get, the more intelligent are the people you meet.

2.  A crime map of San Francisco shows that most crime is clustered in the low lying regions.


In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, the waiter came over and

says, "Curry Okay?"

I said, "Go on then, just one song, then clear off"


If you want to understand what's going on, look at extremes.

Disturbing a newish grave is called desecration.

Disturbing an oldish grave is called archeology.

At what stage does archeology turn into desecration?


Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!


I asked this old guy how long he'd had Alzheimer's. He said, 'For as long as I can remember.'


Tried smoking your own fish? It's OK but it does make the roll-up very soggy.


"I'm going to Kuala Lumpur tomorrow".

"I wouldn't.  She's not worth it."


What does a chinese tourist shout when approaching Finland in a leaking boat? "Hell, sinkee!"


What do you call a very pale comic strip character with pink eyes?

Al Beano.


Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.


What do you call a Footpath Preservation Ceremony involving liquid milk products?

A Rite of Whey


ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ


HIM - "These days, sitting still soon brings on cramp . We're all getting older aren't we. Everytime I go to Bristol Old Vic, I have to take pain killers several times during the performance"

ME - " I read the reviews first"


My idea of hell:

"Here are the dozens of closely printed volumes recording the results of the human genome project - an extremely long list of base pairs  A T C and G.

Proof read them."


Wedding Ceremony for a couple who met at a Speech Therapy conference:

" I now pronounce you YOU "


I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs.

The birds love it!


Badgers - they're not too popular at the moment are they. But you have to be careful. If you make them illegal, they'll just go underground.


How would you describe a spring filled structure with lots of wadding, buttons, piping and about 75 inches long?

Dunno. Can I sleep on it?


Headline:  Nelson Mandela turns 95 in hospital.

He must be getting better 'cos it takes a lot of effort to roll just ONE patient over!


What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.


Saw an ABBA Documentary and watched the gap in Agnetha's front teeth. That gap disappeared all by itself. Amazing what singing can do . . . . .


Got married in a Castle. A bouncy one.

As you go up, you've gotta aim for the ring coming down!


How do you remind yourself that you need to buy more sticky notes when . . . . you've run out of sticky notes?


Aren't eggs versatile. Scrambled some this morning and they roared into the sky looking for enemy aircraft. . .


He was called Van Winkle till somebody misread his grave stone.


Kilometrey Cyrus is never going to work is it.


Today's Headline: Toyota to recall 6.4 million vehicles.

That's amazing. I could only remember 6 or 7 at most !


America and guns.

If I gave you a mobile phone, would you be MORE or LESS likely to make a phone call?


Heard aboot the new Geordie Big Brother Seafaring programme?

It's called "All Ants on Dec".


If you're describing in graphic detail life in WW1 trenches, be careful not to go over the top . . . . .


We have much longer legs than the chimpanzee so that we can reach the clutch, brake and accelerator.


Look Mr and Mrs Coddle, are you really sure you want to call your daughter Molly ?


Went to a shop to buy a lucky charm. There were several.

Can I help you, Sir?

Yes, which one is the most lucky?


They say you don't hear the bullet that


Just been diagnosed with a diagonal nose.


There's something not quite right about my new computer keyboard. Can't put my finger on it . . . .


Overheard:

This isn't a nice place to live anymore.

Why don't you go somewhere else?

This is where my house is.


Mother to baby yak. "There's no easy way to put this. Like it or not, you're a beast of burden."


I haven't had previous. Well not at that time. I previously had previous, and before that I may have had previous. But I definitely haven't had previous recently.


For more information, press 1

For less information, press 2

To speak to an idiot, press 3

To release a medium sized brick onto the head of our operator, press 4


Pixies eh?

Pixellated means all the pixies break you into small pieces.

Aspixellated - pixies stuff your mouth with fairy dust.

Pixtachioed - the pixies dance round you and declare you nuts.

Pixicato - pixies pluck you hard for all they're worth.


"You've lived here all your life?"

Not yet.


We called our daughter Anita 'cos she liked her food . . .


Broke my arm in three places: Bottom of garden, on holiday in Spain, on way to A&E.


Times were hard. Beans on toast for every meal. Then once a month, for a special treat . . .  toast on beans !


Doctor recommended kangaroo steak. Since then I've come on by leaps and bounds . . .


Notice M5: skid risk on slip road - hence the name, of course . .


TV Ad for Mars Bar: Dog plays pan pipes. Dog blows Low Note. On SHORTEST pipe! Give me strength. But not from Mars bar . .


"This is quite an amusing little stew. What did you use?"

Laughing stock.


TV ads:

97% of 103 women agreed . . .

But they asked 500 women and most disagreed. What to do  . .   ?


You dancing?

'You asking?'

I'm asking.

'No.'


"I'll show you out. That's out."

Wow. Vast innit  . . . .


These stories that salt is bad for you - I take 'em with a pinch of salt . . . .


Had something stolen from my luggage. Police said it was an open and shut case.


I was about to address the Rotary Club when, suddenly, it started to spin . . . . .


"What's the oldest band you can remember, still in action because of advances in cardiac surgery?"

Gerry and the Pacemakers.


"Been here long have you Sir?"

No, I've always been this height.


A stitch in time saves having to complete the stupid race.









 . . .  And many more. May change these now and then . . . If you’re unlucky.